At the age of 5 I first noticed that something “wasn’t right” about me: I felt happiness, confusion and shame all at once when someone thought I was a girl!

I couldn’t talk to anyone about those feelings and hid them – just as I hid the nice sensation I got from trying on my mother’s wedding dress. As my preference for female traits increased, I developed a strong aversion towards typically male traits: I vigorously refused to wear a suit and tie and didn’t want to change in the boys locker room in front of the other boys.

On the other hand, I wanted to be accepted. So I kept some ‘male hobbies’ and tried everything possible to hide my developing female identity in front of other people. I was always fascinated by girls and I fell in love with them several times. At the age of 19 I found the love of my life, to whom I have been married for 30 years: we now have 3 wonderful kids. The first attempt to tell my 14 year old friend about my longings was misunderstood and abruptly dismissed.

A parallel world built up inside me and I couldn’t explain it until I saw a documentary about a trans*woman on TV. I was filled with fascination, longing but also resistance at the same time. This was me! On the other hand, I feared the consequences of what might be ahead and didn’t want this at all. I refused to let myself access further information about the topic and kept this self-denial up for 24 years – until the day internet research validated my self-diagnosis of “transidentity”.

My ‘outing’ two years later included over 180 conversations and I was really happy about the fact that I received over 95% positive feedback – especially in the working environment. I had expected to experience mockery and social exclusion. After that, everything moved very quickly: the change of legal identity and change of my name followed in 2019. Since then I have been living happily as a woman.